One at a time....

Hi! 😄

How's life been treating everyone lately? Because life has always been that way for me.

It's been 2 years since the last time I posted something here. Is blogging still a thing even though many people will go with those short-of-video platforms, no?

Many things happened— I lost the love of my life, betrayed, lost hope, almost gave up, and moved away.

My life has turned grey ever since my dad deceased on November 16, 2022. The worst day of my life, my real heart break, my life has been chaos and I feel so empty deep inside. I lost my first-ever love, the one that I used to lean on to, the figure whom I looked up to. Now, I am continuing my life without him beside me— I never thought that I would not be able to see him whenever I want to or call him at any time, I miss you, Ayah, you will go live within me, f-o-r-e-v-e-r and a-l-w-a-y-s. Alfatihah.

I am sorry I can't hold it anymore as I am crying while writing this post, because the feeling is too heavy on my chest. Me, Aris, and Ibuk are all still longing and trying our best to accept this Qadr from Allah. I understand that we belong only to Allah – and will return to Him for hereafter. Don’t worry Ayah, I will take care of Ibuk and Aris, I promise.

6 months after you were away, things were not getting any better, Ayah. I also had to let go of someone who I’ve planned my whole future with. Things that he used to say, the feelings that we had, the dreams that we wanted to build, all were gone. I was so numb, I couldn't feel anything, I almost gave up at that time, it's like I wanted to bury myself with you, Ayah.

I tried to deal with all the uneasy situations and conditions, by just living. Yes, I tried my best to remain alive. I become quieter these days, I don’t talk much, I don’t share my feelings and thoughts, and it feels like I’ve shut off myself and withdrawn quite often. I swear, my purpose is to find as many as possible ways and reasons to stay alive and sane. I don’t force things, I don’t fake feelings, and I don’t deny any emotions, I accept it as is because the most important thing now is that I can keep going, living my life with a teeny tiny purpose that is left. Surviving from grief is an act of care toward myself, and I know time won't heal any wounds inside me but I will get used to it and eventually, I can say that it too shall pass. Allah is the One I rely on in my life.

I was so hopeless but then Allah saved me. When I almost gave up, Allah had another plan for me. I got once in a lifetime experience – of course, with no doubt, I said YES!!!! I decided to move overseas as I got a job offer from my long-dream company. It was not easy to make the decision at first, I had to think about a lot of things and leave everything behind so that I could start over my life in a new place with the hope of a better start. But then I realized that nothing has ever left, it’s only me who stays behind if I keep sorrowing. I literally didn’t have any reason not to go— and here I am, it's been 5 months I have been away from my home country. Never crossed my mind and not even once I will move and reside in this land. I am blessed for what happened, there’s always a reason why God has this tale for me.

I don’t know what will happen nor where will I go for the next 5 or 10 years in the future, because one year ago never have I ever imagined I would move abroad, yet I believe I am heading somewhere, and the good thing is yet to come!